Book Information
Making Friends with Death
Reviews and Comments
Marilyn Webb. Author of The Good Death: The New American Search to Reshape the End of Life (Bantam).
"In Making Friends With Death, Judith Lief
masterfully conveys the profound core of the teachings of
Buddhism so that anyone can hear and understand. She shows
us that in the end, it is kindness, compassion and mindful
attention that matter, and teaches us the simple skill of
just being --in all its rawness, love and pain--with those
who are dying."
Florence Wald. Founder of Connecticut Hospice, Former
Dean of Yale School of Nursing
“Judith Lief is a seasoned care giver who walks the
neophyte through the extending of one’s self to another.
She presents the issues and common difficulties at hand,
emphasizes the importance of attention to details, but centers
on knowing what each patient wants for her or his situation.
This defines effective compassion.”—
Roshi Bernie Glassman. Founder of Greyston Foundation.
Author of Instructions to the Cook
“Whether you will die tomorrow or 50 years from now,
you need to read this book. For Lief writes about death
as something happening right now to each and every one of us. With the aid of practical examples from her own life, skillful exercises, and most important, with her gentle, fearless eloquence, she not only captures the sad and sweet poignancy of endings and transitions, but helps us become intimate with the dying process as both something complex and profoundly simple.
Frank Ostaseski, Founder, Zen Hospice Project, Berkley
CA
“I just finished Judith's new book Making Friends
with Death. Congratulations on publishing such a useful
book by an author who clearly speaks from personal authority.
Judith has done an artful job of applying the wisdom of
Buddhist teachings to the everyday, practical realities
of coping with death. The book is brilliantly reflective
of the simplicity she advocates in being with the dying.
It is honest, unpretentious and highly accessible. The suggested
practices are perfectly ordinary yet capable of opening
us to the depth of our being. I recommend it to anyone accompanying
the dying. We will certainly include it on our website www.zenhospice.org
as in invaluable resource for caregivers.
Narpa Review May/June 2001
“Meditations are usually written to aid in creative
visualization, unlock some hidden power or talent, gain
a greater sense of God, or affirm one’s own holiness.
But to meditate on death—that final, inevitable reckoning
that we will all have to face someday? Lief's message, in
part, is that death is scary because we're not really living,
not really paying attention. Our fear of death is a multi-layered
affair, typically ignored in our attempts to cram every
available moment with the completion or pursuit of a goal,
and only engaged consciously when we're faced with a terminal
illness or in imminent danger. She writes beautifully, and
covers a lot in 180 pages: how to be with someone who’s
dying (including what not to do), how to face your own death,
and how to allow an awareness of your own mortality to inform
your life. Peppered with useful and startling meditations
as well as wise reminders, this is a thoughtful approach
to a difficult aspect of living.” -TJE
Mary Moore—Spiritual Care Program
“As I read the concluding sentence of this book I
thought for at least the tenth time--this is a fabulous
book. It is a down to earth and delightfully gutsy look
at our relationship to our own death and that of others.
There is directness and humor in the presentation of basic
Buddhist understanding that is extremely refreshing. When
exploring our strategies for hope and fear Lief comments,
"like used car salesmen doctoring cars, we putty over
our cracks and flaws, repaint and try to pass ourselves
off as solid. Instead of creating an aura of phony invulnerability
it would be better to relate with our genuine vulnerability
and uncertainty." Lief strips away the phoniness which
can mar our ability to be present with the dying and warns
us not try and smooth death over and create a gooey cloying
cocoon, "creating a peaceful atmosphere artificially
by glossing over our fears and suppressing anything unpleasant
does not work. That is not truly peaceful, it is avoiding
reality.
Author Judith Lief is a well-known Buddhist teacher and
former dean Naropa University in Colorado. We will all find
ourselves somewhere in the chapter on compassion where Lief
encourages us to explore the tricky and sticky bits that
color our efforts to be useful. Is our motivation tainted
by guilt, a desire to be seen to be useful, a wish to fix
or a wish to be create the correct environment? As well
as these rather direct home truths, Lief is clear and helpful
about how we can move forward. Practical exercises and meditations
are offered for deepening awareness, appreciation of change
and cultivating kindness. I would question whether readers
really do work with exercises that are contained in books
or simply gloss over them and read on. If we wish arrive
at the place of understanding that Lief writes from, then
spiritual practice is essential. This small and practical
book forms a good basis for reflection and practice in a
way that can only to strengthen our ability to make friends
with death and be with the dying.
Amazon.com Editorial Review
One of the best ways to live a vibrant life is to stay closely
connected to death, according to Buddhist teacher Judith
Lief in Making Friends with Death. Drawing heavily
from The Tibetan Book of the Dead, Lief specializes in interpreting
the paradoxical Buddhist teachings surrounding death, making
them understandable to Western sensibility. In fact, she
modeled her cleanly written book after her highly popular
course "The Psychology of Birth and Death" at
the Naropa Institute in Boulder, Colorado, starting with
theory, then meditation practice, then practical application.
In the opening section, Lief's insights are plentiful, showing
readers how we all experience daily reminders of birth and
death in the form of routine transitions, or helping readers
examine the ways they hold death at a distance either though
false reverence or media-driven numbness. At the end of
every chapter, she offers contemplative exercises, such
as pondering the mystery of birth and death or paying attention
to one's breath and noticing the turning point between inhale
and exhale. When she moves into the middle section on "Mindfulness
Meditation," her teaching experience shines through
as she explains how to understand and then meditate upon
the Buddhist virtues of simplicity, acceptance, kindness,
and compassion. In the final chapters, she shows how the
theory and meditation can be applied toward taking care
of someone who is dying. But don't be misled--this is really
a book for everyone who wants to be more fully immersed
in living, not just those who are tending the terminally
ill. As Lief points out, "cultivating an awareness
of death is at the same time cultivating an awareness of
life. We are reconnecting with the spirit of actually living
a life." --Gail Hudson
The Shambhala Sun Magazine—Robert Hirschfeld,
September 2001
So that the Journey Ends Well [Excerpted from dual review
of Circles of Care: How to Set Up Quality Home Care
for Our Elders by Ann Cason and Making Friends
with Death; A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality
by Judith L. Lief]
...In its own way Judith Lief’s Making Friends
with Death is also a manual—a manual on how to
die, how to relate to dying and death, how to open up to
the stages beyond death. Just as Cason has worked for many
years with the aging, Lief has worked for many years with
the dying. A student (like Cason) of Chögyam Trungpa
Rinpoche, she finds his phrase "one death" helpful
in her work. “One death,” as she understands
it, means “that the way we connect with the person
who is dying is through our shared experience of loss and
death.”
Lief's book is also a weave of stories, insights, advice,
Buddhism and humor. (Of scientifically fixated doctors,
Lief writes, "In their battle with death, they leave
no tube uninserted.") Most chapters end with exercises
for the readers that range from observing one’s breath
to contemplating and appreciating death. In the Tibetan
tradition, Lief explains, at the time of death, we are just
at the beginning of the journey that starts when this life
is over and ends when out next life has begun.”
All of these elements come together in one story. Sandra
Jishu Holmes, Zen priest and wife of roshi Bernie Glassman,
has died of a heart attack in New Mexico. The body arrives
in a plastic bag (Lief removes a name tag from her toe),
is washed, clothed in the dead teacher’s teaching
robes, and lifted into her coffin. "Once she is in
place., flowers and herbs are added, and the preparation
is complete", Lief writes, "Nothing needs to be
said. Nothing can be said. It is too simple for words."
In the stark unzipping of that plastic bag, in the tender
laying on of water, herbs, hands, Lief synopsizes the diverse
facts of death, and the nature of the mourner’s work.
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